How does one begin a journey which was never a choice? How can a path be taken that began with great happiness and was filled with hope but along the way that path took an unexpected turn which redirected the course of this journey I am referring to. A journey which has no clear destination.
Sometimes it feels as if I continue living but I am no longer alive. I am like a tree in an unending winter, my leaves once green, browned became fragile and can be blown away with the slightest wind. I continue breathing but there is always that heaviness inside of me that cant be lifted.
My daughter died you see, just like that, she died. One day she was alive in my tummy, she was safe and she was well and then suddenly, and I dont know exactly when, she died and took with her a great portion of me and all I used to be.
I am no longer the person I used to be, I dont know who I am anymore. I feel hopeless, faithless and babyless. I live only for two other people in my living world and that is enough for now, i cant give much more than that.
My daughter ceased to breathe and ceased to live but she is alive and I hold on to those eight months I had with her, to every thread of that time, to every movement, every heartbeat, every hope and dream I had for her. I hold on to those grey images i saw on a monthly basis, that flicker of hope on the screen that represented her heartbeat, those shades of colour, blues and reds, that reflected her blood vessels, that white line that represented her tiny spine. I see her and feel her moving, growing, living. Her hands all over the place.
My daughter was alive, she lived in me, she heard my heartbeat, it was the only sound she know, a sound she owned. “Should have” and “Could have” consume my vocabulary on a daily basis. It consumes my mind. I am now more aware of how fragile life is. Although my path is now dimly lit and I often struggle to find my way. I am however able to appreciate my son and husband but I cannot enjoy them. I am afraid.
I question all I believed in, i doubt all i knew. I am fearful all the time. This is my world now, a world where life and death intertwine. Theres no longer a distinction between these worlds.