Cruel

I could have entitled this post fucked up but I decided cruel was also fitting, not entirely accurate but fitting nonetheless. This morning I watched a scan of Zia’s, its a short video clip captured on 26 June, the last time i’saw’ her alive. I felt her after that but this was my last visual. It was awesome, she was on her head, kicking up and flexing her legs against the wall of the uterus. She was so alive, painfully alive, no cord strangling her, just alive. I remember lying in the doctors room, Brian was there too and smiling and laughing about our little girl, our tomboy 🙂

Its all pretty messed up, tomorrow is two months since she was born and died. She was supposed to be here. The fact that she isnt is somewhat evil. Life is cruel, indeed, so is God for allowing such crappy things to happen, rather not allow a person to be pregnant, than allow a life to be taken so cruelly whether through sickness, the cord, a ruptured uterus, a miscarriage whatever, rather we not love a child so desperately, no openly and completely, rather not because then the enormity of a loss would diminish!

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