The severity levels of loss

Does it matter? A few weeks, 20 weeks, 33 weeks, during delivery, a year, three, ten, twenty? Does it matter? There seems to be an invisible barrier created between the loss of a child during delivery and prior to delivery versus post delivery and that angers me! Whether a mother has a miscarriage at twelve weeks or her baby is stillborn or her baby is ill, dies in an accident or for unexplained reasons, it is tragic, it is painful and it is the worst thing that could possibly happen to someone. Some people believe that it is “easier” if a baby is stillborn or dies a day or two even a month after birth, i have actually heard people say that “atleast it wasnt after some years of spending time with and getting to know a child”, what bullshit, that is obviously not a “normal” person speaking, surely normal is someone with all screws intact in their brains, surely! Does it matter? Absolutely not!

You see mothers, from the moment i knew she was in me, i loved her. When i began spotting at eight weeks, i prayed like i never had before, i wished, i begged God, all because i loved her, when i first felt the flutters, i loved her, when i saw her in a scan with her legs thrown over her head, i loved her, when she kicked and flexed like a girl version of Hercules, i loved her, when she stopped moving, when her heartbeat couldnt be heard or seen on that screen, part of me died because i love her, when they handed me a lifeless baby, i still loved her, i held her and kissed her and cried because i love her, i was angry i didnt bath her or massage her or rock her, because she is mine, i love her, when i watched as a tiny coffin got pushed into a furnace, i cried, i cried so hard because I LOVE HER! SHE IS MY CHILD! MY BABY! MY LIFE! So whats my severity level, pretty high, pretty intense! At boiling point!

Dont try to sub divide grief!


3 thoughts on “The severity levels of loss

  1. I’ve explored all that stuff in my head. I’ve wondered, would it have hurt more or less if he’d lived for longer or shorter? I can’t imagine not having had him at all, and I could never wish his life away. Maybe I’ve been a little jealous of mothers who’ve had their children longer, yet not, because perhaps they were ill longer. I can only come to the conclusion that if I couldn’t have him here forever, then the time line we have had was the only one we could have had.

    I do think an early m/c is a very different experience to stillbirth or neonatal loss. Just different. It’s up the the mother herself to define or describe her level of pain. For me, an early m/c years ago was no big deal to me at the time, and isn’t now. And, for me, it was truly nothing at all compared to the neonatal death of my son. Other mothers feel things differently to me.

  2. I had a friend comment on Facebook, shortly after we announced Joseph’s death, “The same thing happened to us.” When I emailed her about her loss, she wrote back about her miscarriage. I remember thinking, “But that’s not the same thing at all!” This was only a week or two after Joseph died. I see things differently now, more like you say. A loss is a loss, and while they’re not the “same”, you cannot compare them.

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