Right now

So much time has gone by, its only been three months but still it feels like forever. Its like I move further away from you everyday. If you were here, you would have so much of my time but now even to think of you is all I can do in one day. I feel thats its unfair, that there should be a specific time that I have to think about you and write about you and just do nothing unless it relates to you.

I miss you and the more I say that, the more cliche it sounds, how is it that you are a part of who I am, my daughter, but you are so far away and so out of reach. I don’t want to forget your face and your tiny hands and feet but the image has become so fragile, its like if I take one incorrect step, it will be gone from me like you are. I don’t want to move on or forward but I have to because I have to live for your dad and brother.

My therapist says that I need to think of you in your angel form, that you are indeed all around me the way I tell Brady you are but that is hard Zia because I know you are gone. I believe in heaven and in hell and I know that you are in heaven but believing in heaven means I need to continue believing in God who I am very angry with at this point. I want you back and even though I know that will never happen I still want it. I want Zia, I want a do over of the last three months. Losing a child is a horrible thing, its scary and its cruel and its about the worst thing that can happen to someone, I didnt ever think I would find myself in such a situation, but here I am. A mother to one living and one sleeping child.

I hate having to tell people “my daughter passed away”, I hate those words but I keep saying it over and over again. My therapist prefers that I say “I’ll get back to you on that one” when someone asks me how you are. For me that is so insane, I cant say that,  want to say my baby was stolen from me, that she is gone, that she isnt ever coming home again. what else is insane is her expecting me to go into the girls section of the store and have conversations with you. The truth is you will NEVER wear those things and nothing I ever do will change that. It doesnt matter how much therapy I have, the truth is that you are gone from me.

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One thought on “Right now

  1. There are no words. Not really. But I wanted to let you know that I hear you and I’m thinking of your sweet Zia. With love, Jess xo

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