Just miss her

Does it get easier, does it get more bearable? To these questions I have no answers. I have heard that it does, even from mothers in my situation but I can’t seem to accept that, I can’t seem to see too far into the future, a future which now excludes my daughter. I walk through life in much the same way I always have but there is a constant pain now which makes me catch my breath sometimes, a pain that even in happy times, which there are because I am a mother to my living son too, is there, the pain that is hard to explain, constant and incurable. I miss my baby girl. I hate watching tv, hate social media, everywhere I look someone is celebrating having a baby, has had one who is happily growing and living and breathing. That should have been me, she wasn’t sick, she wasn’t sick at all, she was healthy, she was active, she was so alive, but she died, she was taken, she was stolen, she is gone. It’s been 14 weeks and 2 days since she I met her and since I said goodbye, but it feels like yesterday. My Zia, my Light, how I love you.

ImageImage from Google images

One thought on “Just miss her

  1. Coming up to 10 months and I can tell you that for me it has gotten different with the passage of time. I’m loathe to say “better” or “worse” or put any kind of value judgement on my feelings because I don’t find it helpful. I spend less time crying now than I have so far. Times when I thought I was pretty “ok” (like at 3 months, then 5 months) at the time I can look back and see that I was so fragile then. That’s not to say I’m not fragile now, more or less in different moments, but it does get different. I know it’s really hard to believe it, but you won’t always feel the same way as you do right this moment. You *can* do this, and you *are* even on the days where it feels like you’re stumbling around blindly in agony. Love to you.

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