As time goes by, certain things about our time together fades and as the normalcy of life commences, its hard to even place myself back to where I was three months ago, when you were so alive and well and growing rapidly everyday.
Its hard to even think about that time , only shreds of it exists in my memory. I recall the clothes I wore during that time, the conversations we had, though fewer than I wish I had, I remember that I waited anxiously for our monthly meetings, when I could see you again and heart your strong and steady heartbeat, how it filled the room Zia, how it made me catch my breath, how I prayed to God and thanked him for my very strong and healthy little girl.
It took us a while to see that you were a girl, I remember that Brady cried and dad was comforting him saying he too wanted a girl, they warmed up to you being a girl quickly after that, Brady started painting you a little wooden house and even though we were still not sure you were a girl until the day you arrived, I know it was all meant to be, you were meant to be.
Yet I sit here, three months without you and I wonder why you were ever given to me in the first place, why I grew to love you as much as I do when you were never mine to keep. Some people, for lack of words have told me that God will give me more, I have heard that so often it’s become so natural to nod and say nothing. The truth is I just want you, you cannot be replaced, Brady just wants you, dad just wants you, we love you and living without you is painful, its unbearable at times.
Is this what the purpose of life is, to love and lose and move along? Oh it feels that way sometimes, it feels like that is what people want from me, they want me to travel along and forget you. That will never happen, I was born I realise with a purpose, to mother both you and Brady, its what I will always be. I will always be your mother and you my daughter even though we are not together in this lifetime.