There are days

There are days, much like today, when missing you is so much more painful than other days. The hardest thing is that I am expected, not by anyone in specific, but by circumstance, to continue. Tonight I think about the fact that she should have been here and I am just helplessly left wondering how I got to this place.

Life is sometimes just so hard to understand and death, oh dear, death is so much harder to understand, especially the death of a child. I used to think that this would never be me, that it should never be anyone and even though I never really knew the intensity of loss until I lost my own child, I stand here and say again that it  should never be anyone because there is no pain like it in the world.

My daughter was very important to me, yes we never met but she lived inside me very much alive and growing for eight whole months, from the moment I knew she existed, my dreams for her life began, dreams for my own life with her. All that was taken away from me, when her heart stopped beating those months ago, so alot of my own dreams and hopes for the future died with her. I am living but constantly missing someone.

There are days when I no longer say good night to her because I know she isn’t going to say it back, there are days when I don’t light her candle, there are days when I don’t even speak about her but there is never a day when I don’t miss her, never a day when I don’t think about her and never a day when I let my guard down and accept that this life I am living is a normal one because it isn’t.

No matter how much I pretend I am ok, deep down I know I am not. I stopped seeking help from psychologists because the truth is no-one, not them, not religion, not God, no-one can bring my daughter back and that is and will always be “the problem”. I am a loner sometimes in this barren land I find myself in, sometimes I allow myself to be accompanied by my husband or a confidant but mostly the barrenness of my mind is just a place I live in all alone. It’s better that way I guess.

Around me the world goes on, people go on their daily business. That seems unfair and fair all at the same time. My living child grows and I am so happy to be able to experience that, so happy that he is able to live despite the loss of his sister, that he is still able to genuinely smile, I am saddened too for his loss and the sadness that fills his heart when her thinks of her sometimes. I am sad that I cannot help him because I cannot bring her back.

She is gone, she is dead and we are alive. We are here and she is in heaven, that is where beautiful souls like Zia’s go. I am still taking this one day at a timebut it has not been an easy road. How can it be easy, I didn’t lose a pet or a valuable item, I lost a child, somehow in my journey, I lost a child and I lost myself too.

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