My grief and yours

I write on a few forums and a few posts back I posted here and on another forum about the severity level of grief and how people split loss into levels and stillbirth and miscarriage rate the lowest on the scale of grief. I write about this topic again because it is something that really gets to me and is very close to my hear. I constantly realise that people so easily minimise stillbirth and miscarriage when compared to other losses. I have had someone tell me “Atleast she didn’t have a cot death”. Both are awful to me, both means that I don’t have my living breathing child with me. Both mean that I have lost someone that grew in me and was very much alive for a number of months.

Although I agree that all these experiences are different from person to person, the fact is that someone lost someone precious so I urge that people simply reserve their comments about such things if they do not completely understand another persons feelings about their loss. I cannot claim that my loss is greater than a miscarriage when that someone who miscarried their baby has no living children and has experienced her fourth miscarriage. I cannot do that. When you conceive, immediately you begin to have hopes and dreams for that child, you wish for a girl or boy, you talk about names and personalities and you create memories that way. Each thought you have a  dream you have for that child is a part of the fabric of memory and it is precious. When I think about my first pregnancy and I think about the diary I kept for my son, it is something sacred and I loved him long before I knew him. It is the same with my daughter.

Why is it then that people presume to know the enormity of another persons loss. Let us just be kind to each other and treat eachother and the memory of our children with respect. I speak from experience, in that even those close to my husband and I have completely minimised the death of our child. Often asking us to “move-on” and showing a deeper respect for other losses and not the death of our child. It is a painful reality to constantly play advocate for my daugters memory and her life, it’s truly exhausting.

I also hate hearing that people do that because they cannot connect with her as they didn’t know her outside utero. If that is the case, they should not have taken up precious time I should have had alone with her by coming and seeing her when she was born, shedding useless crocodile tears and attending her funeral which no-one was asked to attend. They thought it fitting to join in those times and she was very real then now wasn’t she?

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