Of living

My baby girl,

Brady isn’t home. I let him go visiting with your grandparents and cousin Jasmin. I let him ride in the back of a canopy van, packed him some lunch and let him go. I let him live and I let him be free because he deserves that. I cannot clip his little wings because I am afraid, no I can’t. He must fly, he must soar and he must live. All I want is for him to live and he will, I will let him do that.

You live too Zia, differently and similarly. You are both in my thoughts, in my mind, in my heart and in my very being. Your lives run through my veins and in every cell in my body. You are both a part of everything I am in the fabric of my existence. You are both in everything I see, yes you too my child, even though you are not with me.

I think of you often and I wonder if there is any way you are thinking of me too, whether your spirit surrounds, whether you reach out to us, in the light of the sun and moon, in those twinkling stars and the butterfly that Brady chases in the garden. Jasmin drew a picture the other day. Of two hearts with wings, one named Zia and the other Jadene. It’s so sad that at such a young age, your sibling and cousin have had to know death, experience such great unexplainable loss.

Oh Zia, I long for you, long for the life we should have had together. I love you, my baby, my sweet little baby girl. This is life, yes, and we will continue living,one breath at a time. 

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