How does one stop looking back? When back there is the only place you were. The days of your life are written in past tense and I realise that I need to look back. I must. As often as I can. My life with you began in those days. Those days of your powerful kicks and frequent hiccups. My best memories of you include my swollen belly bursting with unspeakable joy, antiscipation between scans, the happiness of seeing you grow bigger and stronger month after month, hearing your heartbeat for the first and last time, those amazing days of you! I remember those early days in my pregnancy when I learnt the meaning of morning sickness, I accepted that as part of the magic of you. I remember the fear of losing you and I know through that, how much I really loved you, so early on, telling you dad, how I didnt want you to leave me. A year ago I still had you, the past reminds me of that, the past makes that real, makes you real. I am grateful for the past and our months together. I am grateful of the beauty that grew within me, of the way you’ve changed me, of everything that was you.
Today I reflect on and embrace the past as a significant part of who I am. Our past together is why you were here, why you have a place in my mother heart forever.
It is why I am your mother and yiu my daughter.
I miss you Zia. I will never let you go, how can I, love is eternal, I cannot let my own heart go.