Reflections for today

There is nothing “good” about the loss of a child and there is no “reason” acceptable for pain of the experience. For me the manner in which she died is clear and for so many other parents too whether through a cord accident, illness or other. But there is no greater good that can ever come of the loss of a child. I do believe that there are things along the journey of grief and mourning that assist to make the load a little lighter. Maybe your boss eased up on you since then (not in my case) or you decided to finally relocate, whatever it may be. For me a few things stand out from after Zia died.

One is that my husband and I were given that final nudge to make one of the most significant and beneficial changes to our livestyle. One of us became a stay at home parent and more full-time with our son. Almost a year into this decision, I know that this one change has assisted me greatly though this awful time. I didn’t have that “nursery school depression” syndrome I had last year. I didn’t sit in the parking lot crying because my son didn’t want to be left for the day. This is by no means a trade-off for my daughter’s life but yes it has helped me, my son and any future children I may or may not have. ur mindsets were altered and we were able to take a risk for the benefit of our family life. Would I rather have Zia instead? Yes, I would. And yes I would rather have it all too. The significant positive influence my husband has on our son is amazing and I would have wanted that for Zia too.

The other small mercy, if you can call it that, is that my colleague moved jobs so I don’t have to hear about how her baby is growing up so well (good for them anyway) or that she needs to apply for her new baby’s passport, all those things I don’t have to do for mine. She would be in full swing planning for a first birthday party, one Zia will never have. We were both pregnant at the same time last year and our babies were born around the same time, both girls, hers very much alive, mine not. Her move has given me some breathing room, less awkwardness in the office, less stress about having to hear those milestones I wish Zia was getting to. Call it selfishness but only another babyloss parent can understand the difficulty in that situation.

There have been so many other things like her dad buying me flowers on bereaved mother’s day. Her brother saying he misses her and loves her, just out of the blue. A relative calling her by name and not saying “the baby”, a friend from my online interactions remembering her during a walk for the babyloss cause, another friend lighting a candle in honour of her. Yet another friend sending me a picture collage of Zinnia flowers because she thought of us one day. Winning a copy of “To linger on Hot Coals”, all small simple acts of love or kindness, which mean so very much to a mother with empty arms which should have been filled with her second baby.

My reflection for today is that I accept those things, both big and small which have come up along this journey which have helped me get through yet another day. It doesn’t make losing my baby any easier but it makes coping with it, a little better.

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