Birthday letter from Dad

Happy Birthday my baby ~Zia~

Before this day came, I both anticipated it and wondered what it would be like. I felt as if I were preparing for something, like how I feel when we are preparing for your brother’s birthdays. But when the day came, everything seemed so different and felt different to what I thought it would. In my heart it felt as if I were preparing to celebrate your birthday, but when I woke up this morning I woke up to the reality that you are not here, that I wouldn’t be able to hold you in my arms and wish you “Happy Birthday,” that there wouldn’t be friends or cousins coming to celebrate with you, that there wouldn’t be a jumping castle in our back yard, and I imagine I would have held you carefully and went into that jumping castle with you just so you could feel what its like to go into one on your first birthday. It was a hard day, sometimes even emotionless and I wonder, “What am I doing, is this even real?” A lot of this day was filled with anger that you are not here, and what’s the use of doing these things in memory when the reality is so clear. But then mum said something which she has said before, that we must take pictures of what we’re doing cos that’s the only memories we can make now. And its true, it made me realize that its the reason I felt the urge to go out yesterday and buy new things for your table, to make a “birthday table” in honour of you on your first birthday. Its the reason we light your candles, and mum buys balloons, and wanted to bake. Its hard enough with you being gone, but it would be harder if we had pretended to have forgotten you and not honour you on your special days and whenever we want to. I’m not poetic or anything but I guess what I’m trying to say is, even though you’re gone, and I will never know what it is like to have and love my little girl with me here, you are missed, you are loved and you are remembered and honored. You are real to me and us as long as we remember you. And so, even though I wish I could be doing this differently today, I wish you “Happy Birthday” my little baby princess, and angel…


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