I often wondered what her birthday would be like. It’s like I lived through a whole year in waiting, wondering about how I would feel, would the day be any different from any of the other days since she died. I conclude that yes, in many ways it was different. It was the first birthday without my child. As a mother, it was a very emotional build up and I had some of the greatest dips in my emotions than I have ever felt over the last year.
I wanted everything to be perfect but it wasn’t and it will never be, as long as she is gone, a birthday without her cannot be perfect. I tried to bake a cake on Tuesday night but after the oven acted up and the cake started cracking and being emotionally exhaustion by 12pm, I ended up crying hysterically and smashing the cake into pieces for its lack of perfection. I managed to pull myself together enough to appreciate her dad setting up her birthday table with candles and citrus decor.
I finally felt ready to open her memory box again after months and I went through each individual item. Touched the soft fabrics of her baby growers and socks and I held her ashes box for a long time and I cried and I missed her. Thinking how sad it is that that was all that is left of my baby. I fell into bed exhausted and we got up late morning on her birthday. We got multi-colour balloons. 12 of them, pink, cerise, metallic green, three shades of blue, yellow, silver, purple, orange, white and red. My sister in law visited for a little and bought us the most beautiful bouquet filled with lilies, carnations and Protea flowers. She also bought me a silver bracelet which has a pendent with the words “In loving memory” and on the reverse “Darling Daughter”. We released the balloons at sunset and remembered Zia as we watched the balloons float away until they were out of sight. We listened to her song “Darling I do” by Landon Pigg.
Later in the evening I decorated a vanilla caramel cream cake we bought with yellow blue and pink icing and angel drops sprinkles. I put one golden candle in it in the shape of a one and we sang together as a family and lit her candles.
It was a day filled with tributes to Zia which was sufficiently insufficient.