Capture your grief Day 3: Before

When I think back to “me” before Zia died, I always see myself as the new wife and mother who wanted so much and believed that anything was possible. Marrying Brian in 2007, starting a life with him, through all our personal and relationship highs and lows fulfilled me in a way I cannot begin to explain. Meeting our son Braydon in 2009 was yet another of my personal best milestones.   I have definitely changed since Zia died; there is no doubt about that. I am no longer the overwhelmingly excited new mother I used to be. I am still very excited about everything Brady does and how amazingly he has grown over the years. But I am sadder than I have ever been I carry a heaviness within my heart constantly because there is always someone missing.  I go through life like a puzzle with a missing piece. I miss that I once lived oblivious to the pain and heartache child loss brings, I miss that I was once very secure that my family would ALL be safe, I miss being naïve.   I loved the faith I had in my ability to keep my children safe. I love the easy going person I once was. I love that I once carried a beautiful little girl for eight long months, dreaming of a life with her, dreaming of a future for her. I dislike that I was bound in religion, that I was oblivious to how it has the ability to entrap and steal ones freedom. I dislike that I had to learn to walk away from a hospital empty handed, that I didn’t see any of this coming. I believe that I have always been changing and I still am.
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