Right now

Life without Zia in some ways is just the way it was before her, sometimes it is like she never was. I still only have one child to dress, one child to hold, one child to kiss, one child to discipline then feel crap about, one child to play with, one to laugh with, one to play with, one to shout at, just not one to love because love her I do. It’s frustrating though, not being able to see her or talk about her to a pregnant colleague for fear of freaking them out. Those first time pregnant mothers deserve some naivety don’t they, as I did 5 and a half years ago, awaiting the arrival of my son. I want to have two children here, I want to fuss over them both, plan their future, I want that but I know I never will. Its been 21 months since she died, some months are far better than others, some days I simply go through with her as a mere thought at the back of my mind, other days she is right there at the forefront. Lately I have been feeling deeply anxious, I want to do more with her memory to help others, I just don’t know how. I’ve considered a few options and will see how that works out. I am stronger than I ever thought I would be all those months ago, there was a time I wondered if I would ever survive this, this loss of my child. I am. I can walk, I can smile, I can dance, I can work, I can do so many things but at times I am more vulnerable too. It can be such a contrast. I have a feeling it will always be that way because I will always be without her. The sadness comes and goes, the longing and yearning remains, that is my life right now.


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