I often wish I could have done more to remember my daughter in those early weeks. I wish I took pictures of her in those moments I had. I wish I complained more against the horrible funeral parlor we used. I should have lit more candles and wrote about my experience. I mean recently I have started to contribute more to the community like taking on the forum moderator role at Glow and going the Grieve Out Loud Pen Pal group but it feels like it’s not enough. I feel like I constantly need to do more. I also feel like I wish I did more for my own peace of mind and healing.I suppose early on I could only do what I could but I am now more capable to do other things. And that is the way I have been utilising to heal the regret. The more mindful I am, the more peaceful I am.
In terms of triggers, one of the big ones me for me lately is seeing siblings around the same age as my living son and my daughter would have been. It saddens me for the loss of that pair I so deeply desire. I have learnt to cope with pregnancy women, no it’s not easy but I manage because I had to pretty quickly. I mean my colleagues have been pregnant in these last two years and honestly I cannot avoid them. Another thing is the comment “At least you have one” and this from close family members. It’s so thoughtless on so many levels and often it is something that brings up all of the hurt and pain I have being managing these last two years. Then there is the winter, a cold reminder of the days when things were wonderful and took a turn for the worse. I miss the love I once felt for the season. I miss that it is now simply another time of year where I miss her so much more.