Capture Your Grief Day 14 – Express Your Heart

There are so many things on my heart today, I think about my son and the hard time he is having at school. He is a beautiful spirit, so much his own person and so independent, that seems to make other children pick on him and bother him and last night I was so angry hearing about yet another incident. At those times I wish he had a sibling, of course he does have one but she isn’t here with him. He is constantly lonely without someone to play with. He is lucky to have a dad who makes that a priority as such as is possible. Walking into my home, you would find them on the living room floor playing with Turtles action figures. It’s a beautiful sound because I don’t know many dads who even try to fill that gap in a child’s life. Three years ago, we were talking about another baby, that December we found out we were pregnant with Zia. Everything fell into place, it was going to be wonderful, someone for Brady to play with. He was four then. And now three years on, nothing. My heart wants to see my son and daughter share the bond that only siblings have, the quiet understanding, the fervent disagreements, the closeness, the drama, the laughter and the comfort.

My heart wants my daughter, I want to do her hair and dress her in those cute little pink outfits whether she likes pink initially or not. I want to hug both my children after a long day at the office, smell their hair, breathe in the scent of icing and marshmallow that is Brady and vanilla and toffee that Zia would be, I want to kiss their soft cheeks and tell them how very much I love them and missed them. What the heart does not always get what it wants, when you’ve never experienced great tragedy, you tend to believe and even hope that whatever your heart desires, you will have. You live with your head in the clouds sometimes and it’s hard to come back down to earth. I was able to come down to earth very quickly after my daughter died and I realised that these things happen and they hurt like hell. I also realised that it will hurt for a very long time possibly forever because no matter how long I live, she will always not be with me. 💔
My heart hurts and always will for the growing number of parents around the world who are missing their babies and children, the amount of heartache which they have to endure day after day. My heart aches for society at large who do not seem to understand the pain these families are going through. We are expected to grow back a limb basically, that’s what they are asking for right? Losing a child at any age is a horrible thing, whether they lived a few weeks, months or years if irrelevant. It hurts like hell. You don’t just have a miscarriage, a baby is not just stillborn, a baby did not just die in ICU, a baby did not just stop breathing in their sleep NO, it was a huge heart wrenching thing, it is earth shattering in my world. It was the end of the world, as bad as anything you can imagine. Today I just want to say this, I suppose nothing more.


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