I haven’t written in a while. There are sometimes very few words to say, and those left are somewhat insufficient. How does one begin to even express the growing certainty of absence, how do you describe the sadness of not knowing and not having. In this significant month of remembrance, I too remember, the one who was and wasn’t, the one who is and isn’t, the one who remains but has left. Years have passed and there are days when I swear she died a few hours ago. Zia, what an incredibly beautiful name, a name infrequently used, in passing, the name of the well known stranger, the silence broken. Yes I haven’t written in a while but I’ve hurt, I’ve missed, I’ve wished, I’ve loved, I always, always love. 

Photo by Carlymarie

Normal days

This day is spent in much the same way every year since she died,
I come to work as I did then, I go to meetings, it’s a normal day,
and like every year since, I read my emails from 15 July 2013,
I haven’t deleted them,
baby list sent to my sister,
party plans for my son’s birthday in August,
plans for finances with hubby for when the baby comes,
plans for a pizza lunch,
a normal day,
last normal day I ever had,
I read them over and over again,
It doesn’t change,
Those plans were made,
she was there,
I was waiting…

Sometimes

Sometimes it’s the simplest of things

The way the wind feels against my skin

The way the cold seeps into my bones

Sometimes it’s the absence of the warmth

The sound of my boot soles on the floor as I walk

Sometimes it’s a sound,

The rustle of dry leaves on the ground or a song

A sad song…lyrics unimportant

Just the melody

Sometimes it’s the weight of the melancholy I carry with me

Sometimes just those simple things remind me

Reminds me of time lost

Of a life that ceased,

Of you.