When Joy and Pain Coexist

It’s the fourth Christmas without you,the fourth time we decorated the tree,
the fourth time we hung up the ornaments of remembrance,
The years have passed quickly,
time after all is a slave to no man,
let time pass, I say bravely,
it will not diminish my love for you,
I feel your absence like the skin on my body,
I feel it like the ache of my bones and muscles after a long day,
it eases and returns,
eases and returns,
there were days when I was crippled by sadness,
days when I was drowning in madness,
I reached for anything that could steady me,
I fell several times and got up again, wobbly,
but I realized that the unsteadiness I felt wasn’t foolishness,
the only foolishness was in denying the absence I had grown accustomed to,
I am a crippled happy fool now,
I smile and I laugh because I live in harmony with the pain,
The pain is real,
The joy too,
It is as real as I am,
I cannot exist without either.

I haven’t written in a while. There are sometimes very few words to say, and those left are somewhat insufficient. How does one begin to even express the growing certainty of absence, how do you describe the sadness of not knowing and not having. In this significant month of remembrance, I too remember, the one who was and wasn’t, the one who is and isn’t, the one who remains but has left. Years have passed and there are days when I swear she died a few hours ago. Zia, what an incredibly beautiful name, a name infrequently used, in passing, the name of the well known stranger, the silence broken. Yes I haven’t written in a while but I’ve hurt, I’ve missed, I’ve wished, I’ve loved, I always, always love. 

Photo by Carlymarie

Normal days

This day is spent in much the same way every year since she died,
I come to work as I did then, I go to meetings, it’s a normal day,
and like every year since, I read my emails from 15 July 2013,
I haven’t deleted them,
baby list sent to my sister,
party plans for my son’s birthday in August,
plans for finances with hubby for when the baby comes,
plans for a pizza lunch,
a normal day,
last normal day I ever had,
I read them over and over again,
It doesn’t change,
Those plans were made,
she was there,
I was waiting…

Sometimes

Sometimes it’s the simplest of things

The way the wind feels against my skin

The way the cold seeps into my bones

Sometimes it’s the absence of the warmth

The sound of my boot soles on the floor as I walk

Sometimes it’s a sound,

The rustle of dry leaves on the ground or a song

A sad song…lyrics unimportant

Just the melody

Sometimes it’s the weight of the melancholy I carry with me

Sometimes just those simple things remind me

Reminds me of time lost

Of a life that ceased,

Of you.