I heard there would be days when you simply wished you could wish them away
wish away the 24 hours of agony
wish away the hours of torment of pain or loathing
I heard there would be days when you simply wished for the solitude of nothingness
where you felt nothing
you thought nothing
you dreamt nothing
I heard there would be days when the torrent of grief would sweep you off your feet
when nothing would make sense
where nothing could be explained
BUT I never truly understood what that meant
until those days became my own
I am angry today. Truly I am. What gives someone the right to assume that because I want nothing to do with their pregnancy, that I am jealous of them being pregnant and that because my baby died, I want their baby to die to. If I wanted to be pregnant, at 31, I suppose I could be, but I chose not to be. After my baby died, I just chose that. It is my decision, my husbands and that is about it. I am uncomfortable with pregnant people and I do not need to justify that to anyone. I am not mistreating anyone. I simply keep away from them. It is my right. Sadly not everyone respects the choices of others.
May this new year be a little kinder to us all. May we take an all important step towards self love and healing. We carry our children with us always, may we find ways to remember and celebrate their lives no matter how brief.
Everyday, the distance between then and now grows
and I grow older
but she doesn’t
Everyday, I stand at the cusp of yet another day
I make yet another step into tomorrow
and she sinks further into history
Everyday, I wake up and I am reminded
of a life I can only ever dream of
a life in which she should be a part of
Everyday I whisper I love you to the wind
I imagine she is somewhere there to hear it
but she doesn’t say I love you back
So I will never know
I begin yet another 365 day journey without her
More memories in which she doesn’t feature
It’s still my life so I will live it
Everyday, I will live it
Everyday, I will try to fight just a little bit harder
Everyday, I will try to remember a little bit more
That she is always here with me,
just out of sight, but still in my heart.
We are on the cusp of yet another new year and I am reminded that the distance between when I last saw you, held you and felt you grows significantly everyday and I miss you so very much. I miss all the memories we should have been making and I miss those past. I haven’t forgotten you, I can never do that. I simply choose to continue living for so many reasons. If I had a choice back then, I suppose the better option would have been to follow you to wherever you were but the pain was too unbearable at that time and I had no idea if I could make it yet another day. But I did, and the one after that one and so it went.
So this New Years Eve I remember you my child, the one I never got to share a birthday, Christmas or New Years with, I remember you and I want to let you know how very much I love you. I never imagined a life without you yet here I am, living, without you. There was so much I wanted to share and do with you and I know that in this new year, I will do some of them and I will hold you in my heart as I do.
Happy New Year Zia, as the lights of the fireworks all around the world illuminate the night sky, may they serve as a tribute to you and to all the babies and children gone too soon.
I watch the flickering flame,
As it dances in the evening light,
And I marvel at its luster and warmth.
This flame though small, illuminates the whole room,
And in so doing, illumes my heart
In this flame there’s a steady promise
Of the love we shared over the years
And the love we share still
And in that memory
I feel the warmth return,
It flows through my heart and soul
And I now see the light shining like a tiny beacon of hope
This candle burns as a symbol of that love and hope
It’s where I find you,
It’s where you live forever
Poem by Me