Dates

Dates, so many dates, so many constant reminders of what life should have been, what is isn’t , what it will never be. But the dates get easier to cope with as time progresses. I hear 16 July and it’s Zia’s day, her still birthday in 2013, her rememberance day ever since. Not that I don’t remember her everyday. Or experience the absence of her. I don’t know when she died for sure,a day or two before, who really knows and maybe I find some comfort in not knowing when her soul left it’s home within me. She moved on Saturday but not as much as I would have liked, Monday she moved a little too, or did she, it’s been three years so the memories are somewhat distorted, changed. On Tuesday, 16 July I went into hospital for the third time in three weeks. And was told "there was no heartbeat". The date became incredibly significant, the date the light dimmed. The date when her heart stopped beating is still unknown. What would knowing achieve?

I typed 23 March 2016 today, the date of an important meeting at work, also the date my mother died, a date amongst others now. The day started like any other, like 29 October 2015, the day my father died. I wonder often of the spirit realm, I believe there must be one, beings as magnificent as human beings cannot simply end, we must continue on somehow, our souls reeased from our earthly bodies, journeying onward and on.

Earlier on in my grief journey I didn’t want to believe that but I do now. Not in any all powerful magnificent being who is above all else but in the existence of a higher realm where our souls meet and live outside the human experience. I read some books which paint a lovely picture about the spirt realm, I have a simple picture in my mind, my daughter with her cousin Jadene, her dates 12 May and 20 December, her grandparents, my grandparents, favourite aunts and uncles, on a beach somewhere, building sandcastles. I don’t believe there is a concept of time there but I do wonder if they remember dates the way we do, birthdays, death days and everything in between. Dates we hold so dear.

I have read of couples getting divorced over dates, he or she didn’t remember a wedding anniversary or a birthday, I have heard of families who stop speaking to eachother because of missed dates, we really love and cherish dates. They ground us, they are our link to events in history.

Dates, dates, dates. Today I simply have dates floating around in my mind.

The Fault in time

Time is progressive, it moves forward constantly, increasing the infinite space between then and now. It cannot be slowed down, paused or completely halted. Time has a past but it is forever in the present or future, so in essence time somewhat diminishes what used to be with what is and what will be. Time urges one to take a step forward, no matter the direction, just forward, onward, on.

Seconds to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years, such is the fault in time, it cannot be stilled.

Time lost cannot be recreated, you cannot decide to rewind time, it just doesn’t work like that, and it never did nor ever will. Much like words spoken cannot be unspoken, deeds done can’t be undone, and time diminished cannot be retrieved.

Time as it progresses distancing me from my past more and more every day, I am further away from anything and everything I have ever cherished in days passed. I am moving further away from where I used to be often unwillingly, yet I keep moving, such is the fault in time. I have no control of time, it cannot be contained. Time is a master to itself. Time forsaken cannot be used again, time wasted is lost, and time never looks back.

Seconds to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years, such is the fault in time, it cannot be stilled.

Thinking of you

I can’t believe that it has been over two years and a half years since I last saw you and held you in my arms. The time we spent together was far to brief and no matter how hard I try I cannot fully accept that you are gone from me forever. I miss you so very much today and I needed to say that I think about often but sometimes I find myself wondering all over again how it is even possible that you died so suddenly and so quietly. I long for the chances I never got, like hearing the sound of your cry and what you would have looked like smiling. I wonder what you would have sounded like, you would be talking a bit more now and walking around, playing and building a relationship with your brother, something I know he so despeately longs for.

I long for you, for mother daughter time, for frilly things and pretty things we could share together. How do I ever fully accept the fact that you are no more and that there is so much we will never be able to have together. My child, I wish so much that I could turn back time and save you, I would give anything for one more chance to do all of this over. How I love you Zia, how I will always love you. These words are not enough nor ever will be. We were supposed to spend a lifetime together.

Tired

I am tired, truly truly tired of sadness.

Back in 2006, I was sad, my 7 year old neice was run over by a speeding motorist. she died on the scene. 7 years late, my Zia died and I was just completely brokenhearted, lost and in a place I didn’t quite understand. 14 months later a miscarriage. I didn’t even know I was pregnant at the time, it still hurt like hell. 13 months later my dad died and I wasn’t exactly on the best terms with him when he did. And this morning we found our family pet cat on the roadside, she was run over some time last night. It’s just sad. Sad that there are losses at all, loss of the life of family members so near and dear, loss of pets who we welcome into our homes and love so dearly.

I look at my son and he is constantly sad, he wishes he had a sibling to play with and his grandfather back. It’s all made him nervous and anxious little boy, where he never was that way. So I am tired of sadness. We have decided that we will not tell him about our cat but rather say she ran away. Many people may not agree with that but my view is this "why break an already broken little heart more?". In a few years we will tell him of course and he will be a little mad but right now is not that time, for now, he can really use a little less death in his life.

So I am simply tired of being sad and seeing my family sad.

RIP Coral …😿

I miss you

Sometimes I can’t believe how long it’s been since you left me. I can’t believe I can say it’s been over two and a half years. That’s a really long time to be away from someone you love. But that’s how it is. I allow myself the luxury of thinking about you sometimes, more than just that thought that my child is gone but the thought of where you are right this second. Do you see me? Do you feel sad because I am? Do you try to comfort me? Are you with your cousin and grand father, my grandparents, where are you? Back when I was religious, I still believed that those gone before me were around me, I still believe that.  I can’t feel you though. I wonder if I ever did. Did I imagine the things I felt those hours and days after you died. I am always searching for you Zia, searching for something that will prove you’re with me yet when I see a sign,  I question it. Life with out you is hard at times as I thought it would be but I have adjusted well enough.  I am still Brady’s mummy and I love that. I miss you always and wish you were with us but I cope. We cope. I don’t think we have a choice really, the good days are good, the bad days bad and there are days in between.  I just wanted to say that I thought about you. I love you child of mine.

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